Bunnies!
by Leah Day
Summary: Peter has a secret! Rated M for language. No spoilers. Just plain silliness! I do also hope Mr Nicholas Bishop and the writer's don't mind what I'm doing to the lovely Senior Detective Baker, lol!


Bunnies!

By Leah

Summary

Peter has a secret. Rated A big "M" for language!

Also. To those who do not get "Home and Away" on their Tellies. No one in "Home and Away" would use this kind of language as "Home and Away" is censored.

Though it would be pretty bloody funny if they did! LOL!

Disclaimer

I don't own a thing. Except Cathy Heather's.

A brief prologue

Roar!

Whine!

Conniption!

Another conniption.

Sob!

One more conniption with feeling.

Part 1

No!

It couldn't be!

But yes!

Oh ... crap!

Peter Baker stormed into the station. The men quickly went about their business, not wanting to be yelled at. The women immediately sought the opportunity for a quick perv as the short, but unmistakably hot, senior detective strutted his way to his office, slamming the door behind him.

"Do you think Dan's thumped him for trying to snog Leah again?" Senior Constable Lara Fitzgerald asked, plopping a pink Smartie into her mouth.

"Ten bucks says he has!" replied Constable Cathy Heathers.

"Na." Lara replied, grabbing some more of the delicious chocolate lollies.

"SHIT! FUCK! BOLLICKS! ARSE! CRAP! DAMMIT! WHERE THE BLOODY HELL COULD IT BE?"

Both women jumped at the sudden cacophony then looked at eachother in confusion.

"I'm so glad I never took that bet," muttered Lara.

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The door burst open and Peter stormed into view, looking quite peeved, but still very, very hot.

"Right! I want every member of this Station to get their backsides into a line outside the Interview room right now, and in an orderly fashion, please!" He barked, nostrils flaring, hands on hips.

"Why?" Lara asked, completely puzzled.

"Someone's stolen something very valuable to me and I have reason to believe it was a member of this Station!"

"Detective ... Why would we want to steal from you?" Cathy asked.

"Because everybody here either hates me or wants to shag me!" Peter bellowed. He then poked his little tongue out, licking his lips for the hundredth time that day. Although he knew very well that it might just make the female, and perhaps some of the guys of the Station really, really horny rather then helpful, he had to do it! He was a hot, stressed, rather short Senior Detective! And when things weren't going his way, he'd either chuck big temper tantrums or stick out his tongue.

Cathy let out a moan and fell to the floor, over come by the sight. Lara, luckily, wasn't looking.

Peter shook his head in disbelief. "Pick her up!" He ordered Lara, not at all amused.

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"What's going on?" The Sergeant-I can't spell his last name-asked as he came in with Jack Holden, staring at the line up.

"We're being interrogated by a miniature Ken doll," Constable Jones grumbled.

"I HEARD THAT!"

Jack and the Serge marched into the interview room.

"Detective Baker! What the hell are you doing with the staff of this Station?" demanded the Sarge.

"This Station is being questioned about the whereabouts of my property!" Peter informed. "Except Holden! He'll be assisting me!"

"How come Jack isn't being investigated?" the Sarge asked.

"Because I already know where he was the day my property went missing! I saw him with Martha at Noah's when I was there with my brother!" Peter explained hurriedly. "Now, get in line, fatty!" With that being said, Detective Baker shoved the Sergeant out the door before he could even retaliate.

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"Holden! Go to my office and get the new lie detector!" Peter ordered.

Jack nodded and went to do Peter's bidding. When he returned, he came back carrying a black machine with a body language/voice/emotion reader. Two silver, shiny thingies you put on your head with red wires coming out of them. Then he left again. Returning, he bought the sign thingie-I have no idea what you're meant to call it!-And helped Peter set it up.

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"Now to test it!" Peter said. Had this been your typical day at your local cop shop, Peter would have been rubbing his palms together, gleefully. Yet, sadly, it was not. It was a day of lost property.

"Constable, sit down and put one of the shiny, silver thingies on your head and answer yes or no to my questions."

"Sure."

Part Two

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AN-I just have to thank the lovely Bexs from the Nicholas Bishop forum, and my co-mod at the Detective Peter Baker group, for helping me with Pete's question for Jack. It took me ages to figure out.

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"Right. Question 1!"

"_Oh ... This is gonna be fun_," Jack thought sarcastically.

"Hmmm!"

"Yes?"

"I can't think of anything to ask you."

"Oh forgodssake's! Detective-"

"Hang on! Hang on! Calm down, Holden! Stop having kittens! Let me think!" Peter stuck his tongue out, drumming his fingers against the wood of the desk. There was a loud moan from outside.

"Shit! She's going down!" Someone yelled.

Thud!

"Detective Baker!" bellowed the Sarge from outside.

"Sorry!" Peter yelled before re-focusing on Jack

"Well?" Jack demanded.

"Patience is a virtue!" Peter informed.

"Well you're trying mine!"

"I can't help it if my creative streak is a bit warned out!" Peter shot back

defensively. Or should I write "shot back with indignation" ? Yes? Ok!

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**Muse-Ah, Leah?**

**Leah-Yes?**

**Muse-GET ON WITH IT!**

**Leah-fine!**

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Peter started to prowl the room, whilst doing this, he stuck his tongue out again. There is suddenly the sound of a woman's moaning, again, then, again, a loud thud from outside, again.

"Bloody hell!" exclaimed the Sarge. "Detective Baker!"

"Ok, ok!" Peter yells.

Jack groans and starts drumming his fingers upon his knee.

"Hmmm! Mmm! Eureka!" Peter crowed triumphantly. "I've got it!"

"Well, out with it." Jack grumbled, completely fed up.

"Holden! When did you first have sex?"

Jack went bright red.

"De-Detective! You can't ask me that!"

"I just did!"

"Well I'm not going to answer it!"

"Well You should!"

"Why?"

"Because I'm a Senior!"

"You're an old fart?" Jack asked, confused.

"No Constable Holden! I am better paid! I am better looking and I have a better job then you do!" Peter bragged. He felt suddenly smug, though he was a bit ticked off about Jack's age question. God! It was so hard to be forty-ummm-thirty something and still look so crash hot that even that little honey, Leah, will check you out when she thinks no one is looking, even though she just had to choose his much taller, please note that Peter is not jealous of his brother's height, yet nowhere near as intelligent, younger brother, Dan Baker!

Peter sticks his tongue out again.

THUD!

"Detective Baker! Will you please stop doing that?" The Sarge roared.

Peter, miffed, decided it would be best to move away from the door. God knows when he would feel the urge to poke out his little tonguey wonguey again!

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"Answer the question, Constable!" he ordered.

"De-"

"If you do, I'll lend you my cuffs for an entire weekend!"

"I have cuffs, Detective."

"Yes. But you don't have," Peter leans over and whispers something into Jack's ear. Jack's adorable face turns a very fascinating shade of red!

"Ah ... Well, ok." Jack screwed up his face, trying to remember. "I was twelve."

The silver thingie connected to the lie detector began to vibrate, then one of the lights on the sign thingie came on, revealing the words, "Truth" in a green light and "Utter Crap" in a red light. It zigzagged back and forth before settling with "Utter Crap"

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Peter did his famous, "Oh Shit" look then glared at Jack with contempt.

"What?" the cute Constable asked.

"You lied to me and you-you!"

"I-I?"

"You-You!"

"I-I? Yes. We've established that."

Peter's face was becoming redder and redder by the second. And ... Good god! Our golden boy was foaming at the mouth as well!

"Where the hell did you get that bloody lie detector header thingie from, Constable!" He bellowed. His face impossibly, but I'm the author of this ditty so I shall make it possible, Mwhahahaha! became even redder then before.

Jack shrunk back in his seat, almost whimpering in terror.

"I-I g-got it from your office, D-D-D-Detective Baker," he stuttered.

Peter's nostrils flared in outrage. He was like a miniature bull, ready to charge! Poor, adorable Jack wondered if he would ever see another day. Should he beg the maddened Senior Detective for a pen and paper so he could write his will?

"You idiot!" Peter howled! "You've brought in the wrong bloody lie detector header! That's the one I got for Dan for his birthday!"

Jack groaned.

"Well how was I supposed to know that was the wrong one?" He cried.

"Go and find the other one!" Peter ordered.

"_Oh that's it. He's off his rocker_," Jack thought. With a heavy sigh, he got up to try to calm the excited Detective down.

"Detective-"

"Out!" Peter yelled, waving his arms. "Out! Out! Out!"

Jack had never left a room so fast in his life.

Part 3

The day seemed to go on and on like that bloody song by Celine Dion. On and on and on!

Peter refused to let Jack help set the lie detector back up, telling him that he had stuffed up enough for today and was to go outside and make sure the others were ready for the interrogation.

This, made Jack Holden cry like a baby.

"Holden, please don't do this to me," begged Peter, realising what he had done.

"Wah!"

"Jack ... Come on mate!"

"WAH!"

"Oh ... Shit!" muttered the Detective. Walking over, he timidly began patting Jack's shoulder. "There, there," he said, blushing like crazy because he had never actually done this with a grown man before.

"You-you, MEANIE!" cried Jack. "I never want to see you again!" The puppy faced Constable then shoved his thumb in his mouth, sucking hard.

"_Could this day get any worse_?" Peter wondered. He sighed. Perhaps. But he wasn't going to sit on his arse and wait to see. He had personal property to find!

"Holden! Pull yourself together!" he barked.

Jack sniffed, then removed his thumb from his mouth.

"Or what?" he asked.

"Or-or ... I won't give you those cuffs!"

The young officer immediately leapt to his feet, saluting the surprised Senior Detective.

"Yessir!" he said and strutted for the door.

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An hour later. Peter had just started his interrogations. All was going well! He was only asking one question. "Did you steal my personal property?"

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Three hours later.

Bollicks! Complete and utter Bollicks!

Everybody got TRUTH! Even the unconscious ones!

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So how was our favourite, short, yet spunky detective going to get his personal property back? How was he going to find out who stole it?

Well ... You're just going to have to wait for the next instalment, aren't you? You cute little reader you!

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**Muse-Leah! Try not to write humour stories whilst on heavy flu medication. You are likely to go out of control!**

**Leah-You're mean! Sticks her tongue up her nose at Muse. Muse stares at Leah for some time.**

**Muse-Oh that's just horrid! I'm going!**

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So there'll be no second instalment til I get my muse back. Better not stick my tongue up my nose again for a while.

End of first instalment!


End file.
